Alright, so i feel like complet crap right now, and of course i dont know how to talk about it with my boyfriend Logan, and im kinda scared to hear what he has to say about the topic to be honest. i dont even know what to say about it if i were to talk to him about it, im embaressed and to be honest kinda ashamed.
He brought it up last night, and i was stoned so i really didnt know what to say i was at a compleate loss for words so i told him i couldnt talk about it right then. but the truth is i know that we need to talk about it i just dont know how to or what to say.
It was a part of my life i hoped would never come back to haunt me. like a bad dream that yo0u try yo0ur best to forget but it is always with yo0u. ive carried it around with me for years cause its part of who i am but i honestly hoped that it would never come up in my life now.
okay so history lesson. i was kinda a screwed up kid, and i did some things that i didnt really think through. getting involved with some people that i maybe shouldnt have. and i did somethings that i shouldnt have the truth is at the time i was young and at 14 you dont really think about how your decisions will affect you later in life.
so when i was 14 i became an escort. i guess i never really thought about it coming back to bite me in the ass now. it was out in regina in a house with a couple other girls, n i never thought that anyone would find out about it unless i was the one to tell them.
but i guess thats not that way it is at all cause last night my boyfriend tells me that my past keeps coming up. i guess an old client of mine is now working for the same company that him and his friends work for. and the last people in the world that i wanted to know this embarresing piece of my past was my boyfriends friends. none the less i guess his best friend knows now.
my boyfriend swears that he has never told his friend about that part of my life but that he now knows and his friend said something to him about it last night while we were out.
Now i probably wouldnt be able to pick 90% of my old clients out of a line up. it was a long time ago and to be honest the majority of the time i was far from sober. i have no idea who this person is, or what they said or even how the topic came about but somehow i guess they mentioned my past profession with a personal knowledge.
i would really like to know who this person is or what they said or something. i didnt go by my real name back then though im sure it could have been mentioned, and it was almost 10 years ago. i dont know if my name was mentioned to this guy and thats how he made a connection or if i saw him and he recognized me or something.
i dont know it just really bothers me that this has come back. i really wasnt the best person in the world back then (...Obviously) and theres alot of stuff that i really would rather not have the man i love know about me.
and the thought that there is some guy out there who knows my boyfriends friends and possibly even my boyfriend that i have done i dont even know what for and is going around saying shit about me to them really bothers me.
and i am completely stuck on it now. like i dont even know what to say or think and everything today just seems to be leading me back to the same thing. its driving me insane. like this morning i was all for morning sex... but my boyfriend didnt want to and im sure it was just one of those things that happens not in the mood for no actual reason but all i could think was it had something to do with him hearing about my past from his friend. i dont know i just wish i could stop thinking about it. but its like theres this silence between us right now like its just hovering there and i dont know what to say or what to do to make it go away.
I know we have to talk about it but i just dont know how. i dont know what to say or anything and im scared to find out what my boyfriend might have to say about it or what he thinks about it, cause i know it cant be anything good. and it obviously bugs him which duh... how wouldnt it. but i dont know i wish i could just make it all go away. the silence between us, the fact that his friends know, that fact that it all ever happened to begin with.
This sucks and i feel like shit about myself right now. i wish i was a different person. someone less damaged someone whos past didnt catch up and bite me in the ass. i hate that the past has come back into my life especially since its coming back into my life through my boyfriend and his friends.
As always:
H.H.B.S.W
Alyria Genesis
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